Last week I wrote about how “going within” both literally and figuratively to a place of solitude triggered deep residing fears. Indeed my whole physical body was responding – my heart was pounding in my chest like I was running for my life and I was constantly short of breath. No amount of deep breathing exercises was helping.
The coincidental awareness spurred on by a writing assignment on silence brought me to a level of recognition … that I was afraid of my own Nothingness. The exercise was extraordinarily helpful … BUT…
Sometimes awareness is not enough for complete transformation or for complete healing.
I need to be in a wholesome relationship with myself so I knew that I needed to not only see those fears but engage with those fears. In my heart I needed to be present in the fear, embrace it … thus transform it. But how?
During a session with my own life coach (yes! Even coaches need coaches), I mentioned this experience to her, that the going within made me feel like I was running away, with my tail between my legs, that I was falling into despair. I told her that I recognized that life is a series of hills and valleys but the valleys were dark and scary places for me.
She asked me to relate to that feeling in a different way – physically – by enacting that fall. As I fell on to my bed, she asked me to describe the sensation. I discovered that by being aware that I was falling, my body felt softer, my knees were soft, my shoulders were soft … that my body was preparing for the descent, to cushion it, to protect it from a hard landing that would hurt. Then as I was lying on the bed, I realized how relaxed I felt and told her. She asked me to stay with that feeling, and from this perspective, to sit with the prospect of going into solitude. An image sprang to mind … of giant pine trees. And through those pine trees, I could see that within the valley existed a village. An active village, populated by people who were creating, working together happily to build things.
|Here's my little Village in the Valley of Creativity. Perfect for the season, too.|
As I lay on my bed, relating to my descent in this new way, this village became my Valley of Creativity. I felt so free, when I realized that my going within, my going downward, was really to access my creativity, which I can’t unearth as freely when I am busy trying to climb up the hills.
Even now, when I think of myself, here, alone in my kitchen, typing these words in the absolute silence (except for the ticking of my clock), I don’t view myself as a failure for my aloneness. I congratulate myself on my CREATING.
How can you change your perspective on your “nothingness”, to move to a place of being whole, of acceptance of who you are? I look forward to hearing more about your journeys.